Kelly Clarkson

Retro Singer

Kelly Clarkson.

I have a love/hate relationship with Kelly Clarkson. No, I don’t know her personally. But, I definitely have a connection to her.

I was an avid watcher of the first season of American Idol back in 2002 and fell in love with Kelly Clarkson. I was totally “team Kelly”. I loved her voice and her spirit. I still do.

Kelly Clarkson’s song “Stronger (What Doesn’t Kill You)” was released in October 2011. At the time, I was in a friendship with someone who the song resonated with and it became that person’s obsessive battle cry. By February 2012, the song had peaked at number 1 and that friendship had plummeted HORRIBLY. Around the end of February, as the song started to wane on the charts, it was building emotionally for me. Every time I heard that song, it reminded me of this person. Just when I thought that I was doing fine, that song would come on and the wound would be freshly ripped open again. That song seemed to be everywhere. It was a constant reminder of everything that I had done wrong and all of the poor choices that I was capable of making. I would hear the song and have a meltdown. I can recall plenty of times in which that song would come on the radio and I would have to pull my car over from not being able to see past the tears. By May or June 2012, the tears had turned into anger. I started loathing that song and the mention of it or Kelly Clarkson sent me into fits of rage. Yes, I was angry at the ex-friend, but I was most angry at myself for not being able to let go. When the song came on, I refused to turn it off or change the station. I thought that by doing so, I was running away, being weak, or letting this person “win”. No matter the reaction, I would listen to that song until the bitter end.

That was over five years ago. And, to this day, I still get random reactions when that song comes on the radio. Sometimes sad. Sometimes angry. But as time has gone on, “Kelly Clarkson” has actually become my mantra.

How is chanting “Kelly Clarkson” helping me get through life and particularly through recovery for my eating disorder?

I decided that I could no longer allow myself to have this reaction to this song and to the mere mention of Kelly Clarkson. Kelly is an amazing singer and I appreciate her as a human being. Her stance on controlling her appearance despite what society says is brave and inspiring. But, regardless of my love of her voice and esteem for her beliefs, I allowed myself to have a negative link between her, her song, and a personal experience. Two years ago, I was driving to work when the song came on. As usual, I was acutely aware that the song was playing after only two or three notes. Again, I decided that I would “tough it out”, be “strong”, not cower, and listen to the song. I made it through the first verse and into the chorus before the tears started. I was angry and sad. The wound was fresh again. But, this time, I did something different. I said out loud to myself “Kelly Clarkson”, took some deep breaths, and turned the radio off. I realized at that moment that a great deal of my suffering was caused by ME. Who was I trying to prove something to? Myself? I clearly knew that this song upset me. Why put myself through that time and time again? Why did I think torturing myself was proving that I was strong, brave, or powerful? It wasn’t!

In treatment and through my yoga practice, I have learned about the difference between pain and suffering. Pain is something that we all will go through at some point in our lives. Suffering and misery do not necessarily have to happen. We may feel pain when we lose a loved one, break a limb, get stung by a bee, or a friend rejects us. Suffering will come if we do not fix the pain or accept it, let go, and move on. In my case, I “suffer” from an eating disorder. My eating disorder behaviors happen over and over and over again. I have been unable to completely use tools to move on from it. As most sufferers, I may never be 100% “cured” of my eating disorder. I have accepted that I have an eating disorder and that I must be vigilant in using tools when I recognize that my eating order behaviors have surfaced as a coping mechanism to cover my pain. My suffering has lessened by accepting my truth and being able to implement tools when eating disorder behaviors emerge. If I had never come to terms that I have an eating disorder, never sought treatment, and just continued to binge whenever I need to cope, I would have continued to suffer to the fullest.

That first time that I turned “Stronger” off, led to me chanting “Kelly Clarkson” anytime I am faced with something that I don’t have to put myself through. I don’t have to prove my emotional strength or integrity by torturing myself. If I know that a situation is going to trigger anxiety, sadness, depression, or any negative emotion, I say “Kelly Clarkson” and move away from the situation, if possible. If I know that being around or communicating with a certain person if going to upset me, I think “Kelly Clarkson” and excuse myself from their presence or stop communicating with them. Just prior to writing this, “Stronger” came on the radio. I just smiled to myself, said “Kelly Clarkson”, and moved on with my day.