Deep Breaths
To those of you who were loyally following my journey through my blog, I apologize for my lack of posting. I’ve been so busy living life that I’ve not had time to write about it. But, I am going to start posting more frequently. I found this blog to be very therapeutic for me and I need that in my life right now.
A lot has changed in my life since my last entry in March. One aspect of my life that I did not primarily focus on previously, was my weight loss surgery journey. For those of you who do not know, I was scheduled to have a vertical sleeve gastrectomy in April or May 2017. My surgeon, at that time, refused to perform the surgery until I went into treatment for binge eating disorder. After completing treatment, I was rescheduled to have my surgery in September 2017. I was in the hospital, receiving meds through the IV on the day of surgery, when I had a panic attack and the surgeon refused to perform the surgery. He later dismissed me as a patient, saying that surgery just wasn’t for everyone. I went back into treatment in late 2017. By December 2017, I was tired of hearing myself say that “someday” I was going to lose weight or “I wish I could lose weight”. I gave myself two options. I could either keep going as I was and just die from obesity OR I could try ONE more time to lose weight. I chose to pursue weight loss surgery one last time.
As I sit here typing, that one last try has turned into a 59 pound weight loss after a successful vertical sleeve gastrectomy on August 9, 2018. I’m making the most of my last try and I’m so grateful that I am finally starting to truly LIVE life. So, when I say that “a lot has changed”, it really has. I am developing into the sort of woman that I have always wanted to be. My priorities are clearer. I’m leaving behind habits that have hampered my growth for too long. A confidence is coming out that I never knew existed in me. I’m proud of my efforts and my appearance has improved because of that. I now “give a shit” about myself.
Some of you may wonder if I still suffer from an eating disorder. Yes. Am I fully in recovery? No. I struggle at every meal to keep the beast at bay. I have managed well, but I have accepted that this will be a lifelong struggle for me. I have days where I won’t eat all day (restricting) because I feel that if I have one bite, I will go into a binge. I am now able to walk nearly two miles and have had the urge to over-exercise. This was part of my disordered eating back in my early twenties and I’m afraid that it will start again. Seeing my body shrinking has been both good and bad. I feel better and I’m able to do more things. But, it is also extremely triggering for the eating disorder and body dysmorphia. My mind often tells me that if I eat even less and exercise even more that I will lose weight faster. I know that my intentions when thinking in that way are not benign. I’ve also been obsessed with feeling the places where my bones are more prominent. I know that the eating disorder is egging me on and I’m mindful of what it’s capable of based on my past.
Where does this leave me? Taking lots of deep breaths and putting this all into perspective on a daily basis. This journey is ongoing and I’m looking forward to where it is going to take me. I’ve learned that my life journey is never going to be linear. I have moments where I don’t, but mostly, I do take it all in stride.