I’ve got new rules…

Does it make me happy?

Does it help me financially?

Does it help me meet my long-term goals?

February 14, 2018 was a memorable day for me. I was terrified and sadden to find out about the shootings at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Florida on that day. I was shaken as the events unfolded throughout the afternoon and into the night. My heart still breaks and mourns for those students, their families, and our country. It sickens me that children are not safe in school and that we adults have created a world where they are not. We can justify it all that we want to in order to make ourselves feel better, but WE selfishly did this to these young people.

That same night, I had my own life-changing lightbulb event. I decided to stop being a victim and take back my power from an acquaintance. Being in this person’s life meant being constantly subjected to psychological and emotional abuse. Under the guise of “friendship” this person manipulated me, berated me, insulted me, and belittled me. That is NOT friendship, but it sure as hell IS abuse. That night, I chose to walk away.

The abuse happened so subtly that I never recognized it as such until my therapist got real with me about it. She had heard me whining about this person for years now and finally she had to do something. She asked me one simple question:

What was that person offering me?

I’m rarely at a loss for words, but that question did it. I had no answer because that person wasn’t offering me anything. Putting up with their cruelty while they offered me nothing (including friendship) was embarrassing and shameful. I had to do some soul-searching. Everything that happened in regards to that person was completely up to me. I put up with it because I had given up on myself. I have always suffered with low self-esteem. I allowed this person to confirm, in my mind, every horrible thing that I felt about myself. I’m not worthy of love. I must beg for attention. I must do more in order to get less from other people. My needs don’t deserve to be met. This was ALL of my fault and I allowed it.

But, there is a positive! This person inspired me to create my three new rules listed above. These questions are the boundaries that I have set for myself. At first, I thought that this was over-simplifying the complexities of life. But, I’ve come to see it differently. These questions are the jumping off point for me to delve deeper into things that are important to me. If I can answer “yes” to one of those questions, I know that it’s right for me right now. If I answer “no” to even one those questions, it goes or it requires further examination before it most likely goes. Thinking of the person that I’ve been mentioning, my answer is “no” to all three questions. No need for further examination. This person’s behavior, lifestyle, and emotional development were never on par with what I know that I deserve anyway. I always sensed that. Now, I know that my instincts were right all along. It's amazing what you will ignore when you choose to (even a laundry list of odd behaviors and lifestyle choices.)

I'm not angry with them and that's not the point of this post. I just want people to be aware that abuse is subtle and it comes in many disguises. It's easy to fall prey. Even with all that I've been through with this person, I think that they are a wonderful, charming, shining light...for someone else.

By the way…thanks Dua Lipa for the inspiration behind the title of this post.