Good Versus Evil

If you’re reading this post, I want to thank you so much for taking an interest in my personal journey. I appreciate you all.

I believe that there are no coincidences and that all events have a reason for happening. I may not like the event that happens, but I trust that there is some beneficial lesson in or a reason behind every event. In May 2016, I started suffering from severe depression. I had moved to a new city In February 2014 and this move triggered the depression. By May 2016, I was nearly nonfunctional. I recognized that I needed help and made an appointment with a therapist. If you have ever had experience with the mental health establishment, you know that unless there is an urgent and life-threatening emergency, it can be difficult to get an immediate appointment or to find a therapist that has the availability to take a new patient. At nearly the same time, I was starting the weight loss surgery journey. Part of the insurance requirements to qualify for the surgery was a psychological evaluation. As fate would have it, the therapist that I was finally able to see was also a therapist approved for the psychological evaluation. Two birds, one stone. Coincidence? I don’t know. But, I took it as a sign from the Universe that I should continue on both my mental and physical improvement journeys.

I’m grateful that I did.

Although the psychological evaluation for the weight loss surgery was a one-time occurrence, my therapist and I still meet weekly. From the very first session that I had with her, I have always told her that there are two Wendys: “Logical Wendy” and “Illogical Wendy”. I even went as far as to beg her to declare me bipolar so I could get some help. I figured that would give me a clinical diagnosis for how I feel sometimes. But, fortunately, I do not suffer from bipolar disorder.

It wasn’t until I went into treatment for my eating disorder that I was faced with the “True Self” and the “Addicted Self”. The patients who had been in various stages of treatment and recovery were the ones that first mentioned this idea. It was an “Aha!” moment for me about this duality I was constantly feeling.

As an eating disorder sufferer, the “true” and the “addicted” or “eating disorder (ED)” selves are in constant battle with one another. My “true self” is open and honest, not only with others, but with herself. She is friendly, adventurous, loving, sharing, and giving. This is the Wendy that loves to anonymously donate to causes and help people as much as possible. She is meticulous in her business, work, and personal affairs. “True Wendy” trusts people and allows herself to easily be vulnerable to others. She is also extremely calm and reasonable. She knows that she is loved and she is rarely suspicious of the kindness that she receives from others. She is full of confidence too!

And, then there is “ED Wendy”.

I try my best to carefully hide “ED Wendy” from people. My husband is the only one that has truly experienced her. One of the things to note about “Eating Disorder Wendy” is that she has become intertwined with her other “addicted” self- sisters. The self-sisters, alcohol, love/relationship, sex, spending, attention, nicotine, food, drama, and technology, feed off of each other. They have the habit of two or three of them showing up at the same time. For example, in college “ED Wendy” was less active when “sex Wendy” was, but they were both there. “Technology Wendy” is unable to put her virtual connection to others away because “Attention Wendy” is egging her on. “Alcohol Wendy” was tireless during two periods of my life when “Love/Relationship Wendy” was trying to find her way.

What is “ED Wendy” like?

She is extremely dishonest. Okay—a liar. She will tell you that she is going to do something, knowing that “True Wendy” doesn’t want to. This causes “True Wendy” to break promises to others as well as herself. The dangerous thing is that she lies to herself. When she lies to herself, she is so convincing that the lies are impossible to distinguish from reality. She’s the one that believes that “everybody eats like this”, “we all have ‘something’ that we struggle with so it’s okay”, and “I don’t have an eating disorder”. She is a master manipulator. She has an external locus of control and blames everyone and everything else for her shortcomings. Nothing is ever her fault and everyone is against her. She plays the victim like a professional. “ED Wendy” affirms that she is ugly, stupid, fat, unlovable, and unworthy. She used the eating disorder behaviors as a way to punish. “ED Wendy” is extremely secretive. Most of her behavior happens alone at night when nobody is around to judge her. There is not one person in her life that knows all of the parts and she is selective with who gets to know what. As one of my fellow treatment patients said, “Addicts are some of the most clever and scariest people in the world.” She is irrational beyond belief. If someone even looks at her, she invents stories about what hurtful things that person is thinking about her. Severe depression, anxiety, or anger soon takes over. She is also VERY mean. Nearly vicious. She has lashed out at her husband more times than she cares to talk about. If he tries to encourage her to eat healthy in any way, she chastises him leaving “True Wendy” to have to pick up the pieces. She gets what she wants and she could care less who she has to hurt to get it. “ED Wendy” also aligns herself with people and activities that are not in her best interest and allows those people and things to eat away at her little by little. She is also the one that has ruined friendships and other opportunities. She is really good at burning those bridges.

“ED Wendy” is truly a b*tch. Honest. But, treatment taught me the valuable skill of being able to recognize “ED Wendy” a little better. When she tells “True Wendy” that she is not enough, I now recognize that it is a lie. Prior to treatment, I would turn to my eating disorder or an addiction to soothe or numb those feelings of inadequacy. Now, I recognize that it’s not true. When “ED Wendy” thinks that she is unable to do something, “True Wendy” often will step in to make an effort. Before, she would sit quietly back and give up each and every time. In relationships with others, “True Wendy” has a clearer perspective on other’s intentions, whether positive or negative, and protects me from making poor interpersonal choices. I’ve learned not to use “ED Wendy” as an excuse for my poor behavior, but to accept her existence and to learn ways to keep her at bay. “True Wendy” and “ED Wendy” are both parts of me. It has been a long journey to come to that realization. I am responsible for both of them at all times. I am getting better at not listening to "ED Wendy", but this still remains a challenge.

For anyone who has encountered “ED Wendy”, I apologize. And, if you are still coming along on my journey even after you have met her, thank you for staying with me.