Internal Social Media War
My love-hate relationship with social media has been ongoing for over ten years now. I can still remember the euphoria of finding those first long-lost acquaintances back during Facebook’s infancy. I enjoyed reconnecting with people, celebrating where they were in life, and invoking the nostalgia. Through the years, I have explored various social media formats and have found that I spend most of my time actively posting on and exploring Facebook and Instagram.
On May 14, 2017, I deactivated both my Facebook and Instagram accounts.
I came to that decision after more thought than it really should have taken. I was visiting my hometown of Lynchburg, VA to celebrate Mother’s Day with my parents. We were also going to celebrate my birthday on May 15 before I headed out of town for my first night in my treatment program. I was excited to be at home, but as usual I was obsessed with my social media accounts. On May 13, I realized that I was wasting the precious time that I could be spending with my parents by constantly looking at my phone to see what everyone else in the world was doing. By the night of May 13, I had made a profound realization…
Social media had become a huge source of anxiety for me.
Social media had turned from an amazing tool for me to connect with others into this monster that was constantly reminding me of just how inadequate I was at…at…at…EVERYTHING! I wasn’t as pretty as other women. I wasn’t as thin as other women. I couldn’t apply makeup like other women naturally could. I didn’t have bouncy locks of shiny hair. I wasn’t tall enough. I wasn’t lean or fit enough. I didn’t have a great job, children, lots of money, a beautiful home, a dream car, or endless amounts of fun adventures. The combination of social media images and my low self-esteem became fuel for my depression. “Eating disorder” Wendy sunk to new depths of binging and depression after I would see beautiful fit bodies with perfect lives. I would tell myself that there was no way that I would ever measure up, so why try? The “why try?” moments would turn into tear-soaked binges. Seeing people doing so well only reminded me of all of the mistakes that I had made throughout my life that had gotten me to where I am today. No, they were not “lessons”. They were mistakes. Regrets. I was starting to become paralyzed by the self-hatred. My art was even suffering. Instead of gaining inspiration from other artist’s works, their talents were only reminders of what I could NOT do. I would try to create, start doubting myself, and simply stop. Art had always been my savior and now it was my enemy.
On May 14, I woke up completely drained after a night of torturing myself with social media images. I knew what I needed and wanted to do. I deactivated my Instagram account first. After I did it, I was proud of myself. No, I had not completely deleted the account. But, deactivating it, seemed powerful. It felt amazing! I soon deactivated my Facebook account. That account had more meaning to me. My Instagram account is primarily used for connecting with strangers. Facebook just seems more personal to me. I had a moment where I felt sad about cutting off the people in my life. Then I said something that would stay with me until this day. If it is not in the best interest of my well-being, it has to go. I knew seeing those images of “perfection” was not going to help me recovery from my eating disorder, low self-esteem, or feelings of worthlessness. I also felt that I wasn’t being my genuine and honest self if I applaud people for their successes in comments and then feel jealousy once the last character was typed. I had gone way past being envious of people right into plain old ugly jealousy.
Deactivating my social media accounts while I was in treatment was exactly what I needed to do. I saw how the other patients often reacted to things that they saw via social media and I knew that I made the right choice. Instead of spiraling out of control from what I perceived to be someone else’s “perfect” life, I was able to focus on my own perfectly imperfect life. My true self knows that a great deal of what is presented through social media are the positives and the “good” things in life. I wanted to see beautiful things and yet the beautiful things made me sink deeper into depression. It was as if I was desperately trying to prove that I wasn’t good enough by comparing my life to other people.
One of the ways that I’m learning to reconcile with my social media usage is by being honest in my posts. When things are “good”, I say it. When things are “bad”, I say it. I’ve also learned to steer clear of images that I know will upset me and send me into the downward spiral. At this point, I am not strong enough to objectively look at some carefully crafted social media accounts. I choose not to post pictures of things such as my art that could be bombarded with negativity. I don’t want to feel confident and sure about something only to have someone skew my perception with their opinion. If I do post something, I do so understanding what may happen. If I don’t post it, I’m not ready to. I am human and have feelings that can be as fragile as the next person’s. I don’t always have to be strong and “take” negative comments. I am learning to not need subjective “likes” to validate that something in my life is worthy, likeable, or loveable. My opinions, my body, my journey, my talents, MY LIFE, don’t need to be accepted or approved of by anyone to cause me to be proud of myself.
I have truly found my voice in sharing my story. That has become my primary focus in using social media right now. The purpose of sharing my life so candidly is for people to realize that they are not alone. I have always felt that nobody else in the world “gets” me. I’m starting to realize that I’m not in the minority at all. If some part of my life can help someone else gather up the courage to improve themselves, then my goal has been met. I’m learning to accept who I am and what I want my life purpose to be. I am learning that I don’t need the “likes” to feel the love.