Yay! Support systems!

I’m not sure how the word “support” became such a forbidden word and action. I’m assuming that one reason is how many of us personally define “support”. Most of us equate supporting someone or something in financial terms. As someone who suffers from an eating disorder as well as other behavioral/ process addictions and disorders, the sort of support that I need is rarely financial.

Throughout my treatment process, I often reflected on my support system. In one particular group session, each patient was asked about the strength of their support systems. I was in a particularly nasty mood that night. When it was my turn to answer whether I had a strong support system, I was feeling rather angry and spiteful. I answered the question alright. “Yes, I have a strong support system. They encourage and support whatever I want to.” I said the words with hate, anger, sarcasm, and resentment. It was my backhanded way of saying that a support system could be there for more reasons than to help encourage someone. They could also be enablers. The therapeutic assistant quickly moved on to the next person.

Only now, merely weeks into recovery, have I allowed myself to really examine just how cantankerous I was during treatment. Honestly, I have behaved that way to my support system for all of my life. As long as I’m being overindulged, I’m easy to get along with. Once I’m challenged or repudiated, I get angry. Not just pouty little anger either. I’m talking passive aggressive anger-silence, ignoring, blocking on social media, and being curt. I now know that my anger comes from hurt feelings caused by an often irrational fear of being rejected. When someone tells me “no”, I take it VERY personal. The irony is, I am the one that causes people to ultimately reject me due to my own behavior.

I do have a strong support system, but it is only that way when I am honest with them and myself about who I am right now and my needs. Only recently do I truly understand the importance of a good support system and what their purpose is. What are some of the things that I find supportive? Currently, my support system needs to give me periodic pep talks. My low self- esteem needs the encouragement sometimes. I really need emotional support. I do not respond to “tough love” in a positive way and it is not beneficial for me. I need compassion and empathy, but NOT sympathy. My support system has to include people comfortable in setting firm boundaries with me. I need to not be judged, belittled, shamed, or berated. I am learning to accept suggestions if they are genuinely presented to me from a place of care and concern and not malice. I do not expect others to change their lives because of my challenges. When I know that is being done, I sometimes feel like more of an outlier. Those are just a few things. I am always evolving and my support system has ebbed and flowed with me. I know that I have been lucky and I am grateful for them.

What is the best way to support someone? I’ve learned to simply ask “How can I support you?” when I know that someone is weathering a storm. Don't be surprised if you get a strange or bewildered look after you ask. That question catches many people off-guard. One friend told me that he had never dealt with his issues from a supportive perspective. I was beyond saddened to hear that. It made me realize how fortunate I am. Being asked about support also forces people to stop victimizing themselves and to ask for what might make the situation improve. When you are in the “woe is me” zone, you don’t have to do anything. But, if someone gives you support, we are obligated or expected to do something with that. If someone encourages me, I know that they are doing so with the expectation that it’s going to improve my mood or give me the motivation I need to get other help that I may need. Supporting someone is a call to action. The truth is that a great deal of accepting support is based in ego and pride. We’ve come to believe that needing a cheering section is vein or a sign of inadequacy. It is never weak to accept support when you need it- emotional, physical, or financial. The purpose of support is to get you through an event and we all need that at some point in our lives. The next time you need support and someone offers it, gently remind yourself that “support” has never been a four-letter word.