Ebb and flow

Tomorrow, I start a 78-day Partial Hospitalization Program (PHP) for binge eating disorder. In writing this, I typed something and quickly had to delete it. I have referred to the eating disorder as “my binge eating disorder” since I was officially diagnosed. My beautiful and wise friend, Ojetta, whom I’ve known since we were about 3 or 4 years old, told me (along with some other useful advice) to stop calling it “my” eating disorder. She said that it was owning it. She is right. I own my ACTIONS in regards to the eating disorder, but I will stop calling it “my eating disorder”. I will not let this be of me. By removing “me/mine/my” from it, I can see it as a thing that I can get rid of or remove myself from. It’s not “my” eating disorder any longer, it is an eating disorder that I am struggling with.

I need to change a lot about how I approach the treatment this time. I'm learning to go with the ebb and flow of life. Treatment is not a punishment, but instead, is a chance to learn and improve myself. I have been given the amazing gift of being able to focus on treatment and recovery for the majority of my days this time. I’m grateful for that. It will allow me to focus on myself and not the daily distractions that I ultimately allow to derail me. I somewhat know what to expect during the program, so I’m not as nervous. I know that I’m going to have to dig deeper into who I am than I ever have before. I isolated the last time. That didn’t seem to work. This time, I’m going to embrace the right people who can help me through this period. I have low self-esteem and often attract people into my life that reaffirm my beliefs in myself. I mean, how many times does a person have to reject me in order for me to “get it”, right? I had to do the old reliable “pro and con list” today for some human interactions that I have chosen. It wasn’t a pleasant experience, but I need people in my life who add value to my living experience. I once told someone that I was not desperate, I don’t want scraps of attention or affection, I don’t want to be an option, I need to receive as much as I give, and that I don’t want sympathy.

Today, I actually believe it.