Ho! Ho! Hell!

***LONG post warning. But, hopefully worth the read!***

I love the holiday season. Along with this magical season comes an abundance of anxiety and triggers for my eating disorder behavior. The biggest stressor for me is the office holiday gathering. I hope this post will show that something that most people enjoy or don’t have much thought about can be terrifying to an eating disorder sufferer.

It all starts a few weeks prior to the date of the “holiday celebration”. I dread being at work pre-celebrations. The constant chatter about preparations is agitating to me and the relentless talk of food is immeasurably anxiety provoking.

You may be thinking, “Why? It’s just a party. You go, be nice, smile, eat some free food, play some corny games, make small talk, get to be away from your desk, and get paid time away from your duties. Boom! It’s great! Over.” Ahhhh. If only it were that simple for me.

The stress starts to build-up the moment that the sign-up “lists” are made available. The RSVP and sign- up list is now electronic, so I don’t have to suffer the daily whispers of co-workers wondering why I haven’t signed up to bring anything or to volunteer. Whispers will still come when the organizer prints off the list to show the party committee who is bringing what. Their speedy look at the inter-department contact list will verify who hasn’t signed up. Soon comes the follow-up email thanking the people who have signed up and reminding everyone else that there is still time to do so and bring something. We all know that this email serves as a tool to praise the “good” guys (the ones that have signed up) and admonishment the party poopers (those of us who haven’t signed up).This email usually causes a few shamed people to agree to bring cups, plates, napkins, sodas or some other pre-packaged food or non-food item. At the same time, people start to casually ask each other what the other is bringing to the party. Not only will there now be constant talk about food and recipes, but I am squarely in the hot seat. When asked what I am bringing and I respond with “nothing”, there is always this awkward silence before somebody asks me why. I always say “because I’m not going”. More silence. “But, why aren’t you going?” My response, “I’m not going because I really don’t want to” is met with more silence. This is the turning point. It’s the point where, in their eyes, I have gone from the sweet, polite co-worker who quietly does her work to either the person who doesn’t interact that much because she hates us all or the mopey woman who it now becomes a mission to force her to be happy. I WAS happy. Now, I am going to be shamed or harassed for weeks until this party comes and goes.

I recently opened a work email that had information about the annual holiday party. First, I cursed. Then, I cried. I was proud of myself until this email. This year, I was going to be smart and just take off from work on party day. That was going to be my excuse for not engaging in the talks prior to the event and not having to suffer through it on that day. But, my plans have been thwarted. There is still going to be a holiday party and I may still be able to avoid that. However, this year, not only is there the holiday celebration on that one singular day, but also the committee has graciously decided to have TEN days of celebration. Seven of those ten days involve food.

This will be my first holiday season with awareness of my eating disorder. I will have to utilize every tool and skill that I can in order to get through this mindfully with the least amount of destruction. I wasn’t ready to leave treatment, so I have the bare minimum of knowledge about my life with an eating disorder. I’m better off than I was back in early 2017, but I am in no way recovered from this. What I do know from history is how I have handled similar situations. Thinking ahead and planning are going to be my best friends. Thinking ahead doesn’t mean that I know with certainty what is going to happen. It just means that based on the past I can take a guess at how things COULD go.

I am just being able to make the connection between my angst over social events and the eating disorder. Adding to the mix is the anxiety from social situations. I know, from the past, that I will be on my “best behavior” during an event. I will eat sparingly. The eating disorder tells me to deprive myself of the cornucopia of goodies because that’s what “normal” people do. “Normal” eaters do not eat the amount of food that I want to and am capable of eating. The eating disorder hasn’t learned to live in the grey areas between black and white. It’s all of nothing for me. I’ll eat sparingly at the party and spend the rest of the night alone, binging as I recall the sights and smells of the buffet of foods. I’ll spend the rest of the night sick or purging. The next few days I binge on foods that will satisfy my hunger for the foods that I was exposed to and restricting or purging to get rid of them and the guilt. My depression will increase, which will cause me to restrict, binge, and purge even more.

Well…DON’T GO!

I won’t be going. Unfortunately, I will pay a price for standing up for what I know are definitely triggers. The holiday party is not fun for me. But, that’s not what this is about. If it were about me having a fun reward for working there, they would let me sit at my desk, eat my personal food that I choose to eat or not, turn up my Christmas music, and enjoy my own company for one or two hours in glorious silence, while they go have their version of fun. In the past, while I have done what is fun for me, co-workers came by my desk one-by-one with their plates telling me how much fun I missed, how our boss was wondering where I was, and that they have brought leftovers to sit out and tempt me for the rest of the day. Two years ago, one of my co-workers said that our boss specifically asked where I was. This party was not mandatory and given the choice, I chose not to go. So, what truly is the purpose of the party?

Today is the first day of the ten days of celebration. I know that each day that I don't participate, I'm sealing my fate. I understand office politics and the unspoken culture at my job. I have not directly come out and told my co-workers about my eating disorder and that this is my reason for not wanting to go to participate when food is involved. I don’t care if they know and it’s not a secret. I also have not made some major announcement about my personal and private health to them. If they find out, great. If they don’t, great. I noticed that the more years that I stood up for myself and didn’t go to this party, the curter our department head was to me. It’s a silent expectation that I should be grateful and appreciative for the gesture. I should want to participate and pretend to be happy even if it hurts. If it makes her happy, I should be equally as happy. I am absolutely grateful and appreciative- when my co-workers go to that party and I can be left in noiseless bliss for a while. That’s MY version of one hell of a time! My not going is seen as me being standoffish, not a team player, hating my job and co-workers, and perhaps uppity. That is not what my absence from the party is about at all. It’s about me recognizing that, in that situation, I’m at risk. It’s about me having enough control to not go to the party and thus taking away a possible cause for the eating disorder to take over. Sometimes, the eating disorder sleeps if I don’t give it a reason to arise. It’s about me weighing my going to that party for a couple of hours versus spending days going down a path that I could have avoided. Does not going mean that my eating disorder behaviors won’t arise? NO! But, it does mean that the party will NOT trigger the behaviors and it increases my chances of quelling it for a bit. Something else may ultimately trigger the behavior, but that party won’t have a chance to do so.

I want people to go to events that make them happy. I don’t want anyone to change anything because of me. If you choose to change based on me, thank you, but that’s your choice. I know that I’m the one with the issue. Forcing others to be around me when my anxiety is that high isn’t fun for them or me. I want to be respected for my decision not to go regardless of what the reason is. I shouldn’t have to explain or defend my choice not to go to a party. If I say that I don’t want to go, I don’t want someone trying to convince me otherwise. If I say that I’m not going, leave it there. It’s an open office party. If I truly thought that it was safe for me to go, I could always make an appearance. It’s an open invitation and I will take it if I choose to. Right now, I’m not strong enough to challenge the eating disorder in this way. I don’t need to prove anything to myself by going and seeing what happens. Hell! I prove my strength every workday with FOUR big jars of candy only 10 feet away in the common area. I'm already exhausted everyday fighting my urges at work and I strongly think that I might have eating disorder behaviors if I go into that holiday party environment. Why cause myself more anxiety just to face the beast when I can keep it safely locked in its cage? I'll have the rest of my life to be courageous in the clutches of this eating disorder. I’m brave whether I go to that party or not. But, now, I'm hoping that I'm becoming smarter than the eating disorder as well.